Being gay
PARENTIN TALK By Tintin Bersola-Babao (The Philippine Star) | Updated March 11, 2013 – 12:00am
tresift
Mon, 2013/03/11 – 4:48am
disappointing piece
I expected more from you tintin, considering you supposedly consulted an “expert” – a physician nonetheless. But I beg to differ in most of what you said in this article. First of all, being gay is not something you can “encourage” or “discourage”. It is not a CHOICE, that is one of the biggest misconceptions people have. It is not as if you are just choosing what food to eat or wardrobe to buy. I didnt choose to be gay. If I had to , why would I choose to live a life that most filipinos consider beyond norm. Id say I wouldnt choose to be one but I am not ashamed to be one. I am a responsible human being, well educated, a professional and a law abiding citizen. I live with the same values of fairness, kindness and justice. I have a loving partner and we have a healthy relationship that I can be proud of. What we do within confines of our home is nobody’s business. And I refuse to be considered a second class citizen. It is not the “fault” of a parent if a child turns out to be gay. It is nobody’s fault. Great parents can have great gay children. Lousy parents can have lousy children. The presence or absence of a strong father figure doesn’t have anything to do with it. It just doesn’t. Please dont make that mistake of perpetrating that misconception. Your child may turn out to be gay and your parenting has nothing to do with it. Please dont add to the stigma that already exists as if parents of a gay child didnt do the right thing. That is just completely false. The only thing I can safely say I agree with your piece is when you said you will accept and love your kids however they turn out. That is probably easier said than done because it seems the rest of your piece says – it can be “fixed” or it is something that should be ashamed about. I hope you truly consult an “expert” next time you write something about homosexuality. there is enough discrimination in the society for gay men and women and misinformation is definitely not helping our cause.
riotcake
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 2:19pm
Disappointing
Nothing infuriates me more than a woman who perpetrates and encourages discrimination. We live in a world where women, though we’ve made advances, are still largely discriminated against. Seeing a woman discriminate against another gender and then fight for her supposed equal rights makes me sick. The struggle for equality is a tough, everyday battle Mrs. Babao, do not make it any harder by spreading false information and spouting ideas over issues you clearly have not a single clue about. I pity your kids. They will grow up with a sexist mindset that you will undoubtedly teach them and will limit themselves according to what society tells them that they can or can’t do.
pearl2e
Mon, 2013/03/11 – 7:45am
lilpearl31
Any recommendations for lesbianism?to parents? same as Gays?
Chillie de la Pepper
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 9:23am
I discourage you…
I discourage you from asking for any more recommendations from this… Tin person. Clearly, she doesn’t know any proud and open gay person, so sad for her. And FYI – gay is a general term used to refer to both male and female homosexuals. Geez.
Paliwanag
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 12:19pm
Recommendation
I recommend that you watch this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OiDrbipW34
rabidcat
Mon, 2013/03/11 – 4:53pm
Great Article…greatly disappointing.
So the author says it is not a plague, and then talks about early signs as if it were a disease. Humans are special, but we are still part of the animal kingdom — humans, being natural egocentric, think they are exempt from the laws of nature. Studies have shown homosexual behavior being exhibited in various animals. “But we always point it out to him that those are toys for girls, and these are toys for boys. We compare toys so that he will understand.” –> this is utterly old school, and very limiting. What if this was a source of creativity for the child and because of a parent’s homophobia, this is inadvertently quashed? Must we, then, perpetrate phobia towards individuals who are just as human as straight ones are, no more no less? Where is this high-and-mighty straight male/female mentality coming from? Are we perpetrating the denigration of others just because they have inclinations that straight people find strange? Why are people so afraid of the unfamiliar? What is this totally insensitive and utterly uninformed article doing here? Do these adults know homosexuality in and out to merit being dispensers of advice? One does not have to be gay to understand things as simple as sensitivity, open mindedness and the awareness of the fact that anything unfamiliar does not mean it is evil.
rabidcat
Mon, 2013/03/11 – 5:23pm
On the subject of God
“We are all children of God, and in the end, regardless of gender, it is God who will judge us.” –> ohohoho. and this writer is blithely unaware of the judgement her write-up just made.
computer_angel
Mon, 2013/03/11 – 6:21pm
HYPOCRISY AT ITS FINEST
This is one of the most ironic and hypocritical articles I’ve read so far. It’s also very misleading. There goes this writer saying that being gay isn’t a plague but her treatment of the subject matter just proves otherwise (“True gayness comes out at pubertal stage. It is when the child desires or has a crush on the same sex. What is wrong with some parents is encouraging the behavior.”) I beg your pardon but can you please enlighten us as to what you mean by TRUE gayness? Does this mean that there is such thing as FALSE gayness? @_@ “Let’s be moral in making the child understand the situation, di ba yun ang dapat. We tell our child, ‘Anak, mali ito.’ Hindi kasi tama ang makasama sa buhay at magpapamilya ay parehas na lalaki. Kung ayaw mo itama ang ginugusto mo, hindi namin matatanggap yun.'” —- There it goes! So what you really think and what the endpoint of this article is that being gay and having a relationship with someone of the same sex is NOT RIGHT and SHOULD NOT BE ACCEPTED. You just prolonged the agony with these incessant, bigoted, and worthless ramblings. Huh! Wait ’til my LGBT friends get to read this!
jinky85
Mon, 2013/03/11 – 11:04pm
at being Gay..
@ tintin ,,it’s true about parenting is one of the major factors that help develops your child personality gender of who they will be , a male or a female,, second is peer/social pressure they encountered in their teen life,, 3rd factor if their sexual influences they have encounter in their adult life. We are four sister and have the youngest brother, but he did not came out gay as my father was there for him, who influenced him about being male/boy gender,,unlike our cousin who was an only boy too , grew up with grandmothers and aunt, he has no male presence in his younger years except females around him, so he grew up feeling he is a real girl too,,another cousin is a lesbian , as her parents thought as he acts like a tomboy , so mentally she grew up a lesbian..I have male friends from teen age years who were boys but became gay because their first sexual encounter were gay men or gay guys,, and another adult male friend who became gay as he is a gay lover ..I have nothing against them but the misparenting and giving wrong choices with children affects every child’s’ personality development..it’s true that once you got hook with the sexual experience with the same gender ,, it also become psychological and physical need that it is difficult to avoid until to the point that the gayness/lesbianism is being acted as a lifestyle…in the Bible it was describes as psychological disease of perverseness, same as as the peeping toms, exhibitionist, pedophiles, sexual maniacs, drug addicts,, my aunts/uncles realized too late what was done can not be undone., they just pray that their children will not be alone at their old age, and still have a family who will look after them when they are gone..it’s sad but true..
jogger
Mon, 2013/03/11 – 11:24pm
Extremely badly written and intellectually lazy/dishonest
I don’t agree with your proposition that being gay is wrong and that it’s largely attributable to bad parenting. Others have more completely and eloquently pointed out why. What I’m going to comment on instead is the quality of your writing. It’s really bad. Did you give it a read-over before posting it online? But even more troubling is that I think it’s almost intentional. You seem to be dithering between saying there’s nothing wrong with having a gay child and saying that it’s actually a bad thing. I only hope you’re trying to make up your mind (although you should not have posted this if so; make up your mind first). What I suspect is that you already have an opinion. You just lack the intellectual courage and honesty to outright say what you mean, which is that you think being gay is wrong and sinful.
sheldonblanc
Mon, 2013/03/11 – 11:27pm
Baksak Ka Day sa Paper na ito
Yung seryoso? Confused ba teh? You don’t want to consider homosexuality as a plague but parents should be sensitive about the ‘early signs’ of it? And rather correct it immediately? Ako ba eh niloloko mo? Kaloka ka day! Revise mo yan. Di kita ipapasa.
ramenheckle
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 5:25am
It was a sensitive topic handled with care … MY ASS!!!
This is the most insensitive, homophobic, bigoted article I have ever read in recent times on a local publishing!!! This is worst than the Damasos speaking in their pulpits on this issue!!! So dissapointing!!!
HHruka
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 7:54am
Aaa
Whoa. The author and the psychologist were talking as Christians and not as a parent and professional. This article clearly admits that discrimination in the Philippines is everywhere.
Ate.Sienna
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 9:18am
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Tintin Bersola-Babao, I could not believe you, of all people, would write an article like this. You, who have been sorrounded by gays and lesbians from the media eversince you started in the business! You think being gay is something that is “acquired” or that it can be stopped? My gosh, don’t you have gay and lesbian friends from the business? Or if you do, do they really know how you think about them? Your take on this is such a disappointment. And really, your article can’t stand your ground on what you truly believe in. You wish-washed your way on the issue. You say that as a parent you would support your child no matter what but won’t encourage your child if he was gay. That “gayness” isn’t normal but it’s only God who should judge us. I am so confused. By the middle of the article I didn’t know whether you were here or there. where did you get your psychologist expert to think the way she does? From what century did she come from? God help us if she continues being a so-called “expert” on this subject. I really hope none of your children is gay or lesbian. Otherwise he or she might have a very wanting childhood because even if his/her mom (and dad, too?) seem to tolerate him/her, your child will know that deep inside you, you can never really accept who they are totally. Sad…
hollerjonie
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 9:49am
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To Ms. Tin-Tin Bersola-Babao… Isa ito sa pinaka-ignorante, ipokrito, insensitive at mapanghusgang artkulo na nabasa ko sa tanang buhay ko! Hindi ang isang tulad mo lang ang nararapat na mag-aral o mag-esplika sa aming mga bakla about good parenting. Alam mo bang sa sinulat mong ito, mas ipinakita mo sa amin kung gaano kakitid ang utak mo? Ang ‘good parenting’ ay nagsisimula sa kung gaano kalawak ang pananaw mo sa mga bagay-bagay tulad ng pagmamahal at acceptance sa isang tao regardless kung ano man ang gender nila. Simple lang, ang tawag dito ay pakikipag-kapwa tao. Sana lang, sa susunod na gagawa ka ng artikulo, isipin mo muna na baka mabasa ito ng mga BAKLANG hairdresser, make-up artists, prod staff, writers, former teachers mo, kapitbahay, kamag-anak, dating kaklase, kaibigan na nakasama mo at patuloy pa ring makakasalamuha sa ngayon. Isipin mo na lang na sila ang mga taong hinusgahan mo ang pagkatao at kakayahan upang maging ‘good parents’. I dont think they deserve that. Ikinaganda at ikinaangat mo din naman ang presensiya nila. Huwag kang ‘ano;, Tin-Tin! I suggest you watch the movie “The Kids Are All Right” and tv series “Modern Family” at baka may mapulot ka pang aral.
new
1) No indication of what the so-called expert said. 2) The expert might as well be a nun. 3) As a Certain Stephen King story proved, there may be a “manly” reason why boys would play with dolls, for example, he needs a princess to be saved 4) I am admittedly not a fan of the gay lifestyle but I will not deny my child to embrace his/her identity, even if it goes against my preferences. A child at puberty is on the way to becoming and adult, I believe treating them as adults will improve their emotional growth.
pauliphonik
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 11:47am
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This is an idiotic piece of journalism (if you can even call it that). Being gay is NOT a lifestyle choice, and it is certainly not something one can encouraged or discouraged. Good or bad parenting has nothing to do with one being gay. Playing rough sports and “toys for boys” do not make a man straight. Nor do playing girl toys or acting effeminate make him gay. This article is just full of hypocrisy and misconceptions. To the writer of this article, Tintin Bersola-Babao and the supposedly expert Dr. Camille Garcia, both of you just made a fool of yourselves. Not only did you make yourselves look ignorant of the subject matter, you also just proved that bigotry still runs rampant in our society.
eternatalya
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 12:10pm
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The writer is just articulating what many, if not most or if not all mothers, feel about it. You don’t encourage it, you don’t want to. But then, if it’s the choice of her son, then just love him unconditionally. The best ang mga nanay!
Paliwanag
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 12:14pm
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I would just like to point out that one’s orientation is not a choice. If it was, why would one choose to be someone who gets ridiculed and humiliated by their family and society. Anyone who says it is a choice should prove it by choosing to be gay or lesbian.
Paliwanag
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 12:11pm
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Dear Ms. Bersola, I have admired and respected your work every since I was young. I don’t mean to attack your opinion and your understanding of matters regarding the complex issue of gender identity and basic human attraction but I would have to say that your post is downright offensive. To state that being gay and having same-sex attraction as something that is wrong and needs correction is an outdated fallacy that has already been disproven by science for the last 20 years and by theology and biblical scholarship for the last decade. There is a wide spectrum of human attraction and sexual orientation, and while homosexuality is a small part of this range, it is by no means unnatural nor disordered, and thus, does not need correction. This is why homosexuality has already been removed from the list of psychiatric disorders since the 70s. In terms of morality, I urge you to view this video which summarizes how the bible does not really condemn homosexuality.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezQjNJUSraY I urge you to do more research with such matters. I suggest this website as a starting point:
http://www.fortunatefamilies.com/
new
I think the good doctor is expressing personal opinion based on experience. She does not seem to be talking as an expert. Children are supposed to be left to find out for themselves which gender they would prefer to be identified with. There are conditions wherein an individual presents as a boy, but is actually female and vice versa. If parents make children think that they are abnormal, they are scarring them for life. Of course it is normal for parents to strive for the norm, but if it cannot be achieved, make the best of the situation. We talk to them about their sexuality when they are in the puberty stage and talk about the moral issues according to the beliefs and practices of the family. It is hard in the Philippines, which is a predominantly Catholic country. But if we show the child that he/she is loved unconditionally, it will probably be easier to manage.
new
I think the good doctor is expressing personal opinion based on experience. She does not seem to be talking as an expert. Children are supposed to be left to find out for themselves which gender they would prefer to be identified with. There are conditions wherein an individual presents as a boy, but is actually female and vice versa. If parents make children think that they are abnormal, they are scarring them for life. Of course it is normal for parents to strive for the norm, but if it cannot be achieved, make the best of the situation. We talk to them about their sexuality when they are in the puberty stage and talk about the moral issues according to the beliefs and practices of the family. It is hard in the Philippines, which is a predominantly Catholic country. But if we show the child that he/she is loved unconditionally, it will probably be easier to manage.
new
You are a bigot Christine Bersola-Babao. The premise is wrong. The understanding is discriminative. The take-away, is just stupid. For networks TV 5 & publications Philippine Star to encourage your bigotry is just irresponsible. You have no first hand account, and your freakin’ expert has no credibility in the subject matter. And I love how you seemingly try to “praise” the accomplished class, and yet, have double standards and qualifiers. YOUR RIGHT TO SPEAK STOPS IF YOU INFRINGE ON OTHERS. Nobody gets a gay son – they just get a son. You just love – you neither think of any qualifiers; moreover, you love and be proud of him and guide him in his NORMAL day-to-day triumphs and challenges. Simple as that.
frescoedechoes
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 1:06pm
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As a single mom I commend you for writing such a straightforward no-nonsense article about a very real situation. I can totally relate to this since I have my concerns about raising my son correctly especially since I notice some effeminate gestures and mannerisms from him. There is also the problem of him having only female friends in school. Being pre-pubescent, I know this might just be a phase, however. Having a deceased father may also be a factor since he doesn’t have a father figure to imitate. I look forward to more tips on handling this delicate parenting issue. I would really want to see a part two where you can expound on some parenting tips for this. I do not have anything against gay or lesbian people. In fact, I have a number of friends who are. I just feel that raising my son as a man is just the way God intended and I need to guide him the best way I know how. As for the negative comments, please read the article again. I don’t believe the author is discriminating against gays or lesbians. I feel all the hostilities are unfounded.
NoLibertine
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 2:09pm
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I understand where you are coming from, seeing as how I too grew up in a very conservative household. But I do have to point out that the negative comments are NOT unfounded. It stems from the many misconceptions that the author had pointed out. I believe that you are a loving mother who only wants the best for your child, but a person does not choose their sexual orientation, nor can anyone “correct” it. Most people claim that homosexuality is a sin because it is lustful and an abomination to God’s teachings. It is the distortion of the natural order in which God set out for a man and a woman to fall in love and start a family. God intended us to be good, to be pure, to fall in love and to love one another. These are things that are desired by any person, no matter their sexual orientation. A gay man is capable of purity, love and commitment. But this article gives the impression that being gay is intrinsically wrong in the eyes of God. Which is hateful and hurtful. And that is why this article is receiving all this negativity. I commend you for striving to be the best parent you can be, but please do not belittle the hurtful things written in the article. And yes, I have the read the article several times. You may not be interested in further discussions, but here is a video that can give a new perspective on the matter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezQjNJUSraY Good day.
remmendoza
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 4:10pm
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if you want sound advise, there are better resources in the internet (google scholarly articles). Articles like this cannot be trusted. many of the reactions came from people who are experts in this field, and while their opinions reflect negatively, that should be a sign that this article is in fact not trustworthy. Oprah even made several episodes on this topic and i find that show very informative and thoroughly planned and researched. Avoid making a mistake believing in this article. Have a good day 🙂
Neil Torrefiel
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 1:16pm
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As far as this article is considered, you’ve exhibited bad journalism. Tintin, I’m a gay Filipino-American living in San Francisco, and this is a horrible piece for three reasons. One, you don’t cite any of your sources and this is purely an opinion column. You don’t cite any psychological studies, or provide any links to any. You are misleading your readers into agreeing with you simply because it is your opinion. Two, you present one side of the story. You say you “sought the expertise” of some Dr. Camille Garcia, but you refuse you post any actual dialog. Where’s a link to Dr. Garcia’s studies on sexual dysphoria, or gay-specific family counseling? While your at it, you should provide a link to Dr. Garcia’s webpage – oh, she probably doesn’t have one. Furthermore, your consultation with Dr. Garcia is biased. You should bring light to BOTH sides of the story, and seek the expertise of a psychologist who has an expertise in gay childhood development. Three, by publishing this article, you are actually consenting parental homophobia – and this is the saddest part. By promoting that parents should take the necessary action to sway children who display deviations from childhood gender norms, you are saying that parents should NOT accept personal sexual orientations. You are breeding hate. In fact, you might increase childhood physical abuse. Yes, you are correct that there consistent studies (which I’m sure you haven’t even tried researching) that indicate a strong correlation between deviations from childhood gender norms, and adult sexual orientation. But a much better article to support (and defend childhood sexual orientation) would be this:
http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/bering-in-mind/2010/09/15/is-your-child-a-prehomosexual-forecasting-adult-sexual-orientation/ For your readers, here’s a healthier study for you to read: Scientific American: Is your child a “prehomosexual”? Forecasting adult sexual orientation
http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/bering-in-mind/2010/09/15/is-your-child-a-prehomosexual-forecasting-adult-sexual-orientation/ New Your Times: Helping a child to come out
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/07/fashion/helping-a-gay-child-to-come-out.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
gr8tdesert
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 3:10pm
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My name is Gregory Desierto and I am a clinical psychologist in training, in San Francisco, CA. I have strong interests in studying and understanding the psyche of Asian Americans (particularly Filipinos) and gay men. In addition, I have had the privilege of working with many gay men through New Leaf: Services for Our Community, Richmond Area Multi-Services, Inc., and Access Institute for Psychological Services. From my range of experiences, I have learned that gay men continue to face mental health challenges mainly due to the constant rejection, marginalization, discrimination, and damaging slights and messages perpetrated by their friends, colleagues, and peers. The most insidious of all are the incriminating messages gay men receive from those who are closest to them – their parents. In fact, the psychological sequelae of gay discrimination within a familial context are well documented (please refer to the peer-reviewed research articles in this link:
http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/publications ) That being said — I am extremely disappointed with Dr. Camille Garcia’s recommendations; her opinions are baseless and damaging. Most importantly, her statements, as well as this article, lack critical thought, references to research with scientific rigor, and a critical analysis of the relationship among Christian values, Filipino culture, ethics, and homosexuality. This article was hardly sensitive but rather downright irresponsible and disrespectful to the gay community. Both the journalist and Dr. Camille Garcia should be ashamed of themselves.
new
This is a religiously bigoted article, at best.
remmendoza
Tue, 2013/03/12 – 3:55pm
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to the authour, i suggest Dr. Brizendine’s female and male brain books. also watch documentaries on homosexuality, and articles like research journals (open access) in the internet. its clear that from this article, you have chosen to be biased on opinions of few people not really dedicated to this area of study. Oprah knows even more than you. If this this article is true, please explain how is it that gay children who experienced extreme parental intervention still are gay? If you say parental influence on homosexuality can curb the trend, why did it not work on gay children who experienced abuse as well in their families for just being gay? this work of yours is poorly done, please do some research.
new
I am a preschool teacher and an MA candidate in Early childhood Education. Promoting gender bias in children’s pretend play and choices is a big no-no. Little boys and girls must be allowed to play with variety of toys because Play is where they learn/develop basic concepts and skills, but more importantly, creativity and socio-emotional awareness. How they play reflects children’s knowledge of the world and how they perceive it. Dolls and kitchen sets are for boys too. Construction and blocks are for girls too. Pink is for boys too. Blue is for girls too. Come on, you already know this! What with the countless seminars and expos you conduct on Parenting and Education. I’m not yet a parent so I cannot agree/disagree on the emotional side of this article. But when I do become one, I will encourage my child to become what he/she is and what he/she wants to be, as long as he/she does not hurt or become a pain to anybody. As far as I know, the existence of gay does not hurt the society. It’s the other way around, sadly…. It’s time to make a change. Your article’s premise is so passé.
Celebrate Life. Cheers to Love & Happiness. 